She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
