my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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