I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
