DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
