party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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