don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
