i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
