genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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