You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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