she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
