fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
