what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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