but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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