I have demons in me.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
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I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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