I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
