I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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