I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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