The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
