dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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