You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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