the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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