I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
