I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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