I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
