woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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