If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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