Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
