Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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