So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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