I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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