you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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