Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
