Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
