All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
