last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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