I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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