my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.