life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.