Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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