can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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