Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
