she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
