We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
