ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
