We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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