i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
