I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
