i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
