I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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