I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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