I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
