Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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