last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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