Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
