If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
