And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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