You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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