Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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