I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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