Plan B is the new Plan A
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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