What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just had sex on a roof
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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