My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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