You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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